Do you have the David Bowie/Freddy Mercury song on your head now? I do! (And it is not a bad thing).
Today is the 14th, which means I am 14 days into my self-imposed challenge (see last week’s post), and I have been really pretty ill the last 4 or 5 days, but I have kept going. I have completed 12 drawings, not 13 like I (SHOULD??) have.
I want to unpack all of this a little.
I want to talk about pressure, from two angles. The one we put on ourselves, and the type to be applied (or not applied) to a pencil on paper, because to be honest, they are quite similar, in a philosophical sense at least.
TLDR; Come at your art practise (the actual drawing, the painting) and your art practice (the commitment to keep showing up) with loving kindness, without pressure (physical or philosophical), and valuing presence over productivity.
Wow, I summed that up nicely. But hey, if you want to read more words, I’ve got them for you!
My entire adult career (and who knows, probably my teens and even earlier) I had always worn the (often ridiculous) amount of time I worked and the effort I put in like a badge of honour, regardless of the physical impact on my animal body. Our society rewards this, in so many ways - “oh look at you, almost the perfect machine!”.
Ouch.
I have so much to say about tying your self worth up in productivity, also something subliminally encouraged in our society, but just know that I am raising my hands here saying, yes, that is me. Or was. Maybe is a little still. We are, after all, complex and complicated humans.
More recently I have also come to understand this is part of my neurodivergence. I have an abundance of attention, I am deeply curious, I enjoy pushing my limits, I enjoy trying and even though I loathe failing, I enjoy the challenge of working things out, learning, and doing it better next time. Rest may look different for me, it may be restorative action rather than stopping altogether.
I started the previous paragraph with more recently, because my diagnosis is more recent, and for just three or four years prior to that I had been on my own personal journey of understanding why I always felt so different.
Before that, though, it was a different story.
Overwork was definitely tied up in trying to feel worthy. Gold stars were my sustenance, not easy when they stop handing them out when you’re a (very) grown human. You can only get so much external validation easily, and after that, the lack of it despite effort can easily turn you bitter.
That sort of pressure, self imposed, yes, but let’s be honest, also celebrated by typical society’s cog-in-the-machine mentality, wears you down. Blunts you. Sometimes breaks you. It is repetitive strain. It is not healthy for your animal body, and without loving kindness coming from within as well as without, is unsustainable.
Hello burnout.
In my case, a big burn out led me back to making art, so in a way I am grateful for it, but believe me, it is not the most ideal way to come back to or come into your creativity. I do not recommend. Zero stars out of ten.
So, in short, some pressure, challenge and stretching can be good. But it is only sustainable if it comes with respect for our human animal body, and from a place of loving kindness, and with some rest (or restorative action), and a healthy dose of introspection along the way.
Let’s now consider pencil pressure.
Pressure here refers to the amount of force we use to get value (darkness) down on paper (or a solid surface).
In the challenge I am working on at the moment, I am using graphite to create realistic portraiture of wildlife. Using graphite alone means it is monotone - I have the spectrum of white to black to create different values of grey to help the viewer see three dimensional form on an essentially two dimensional plane. Many of these animals have dark markings or dark feathers - many of them are what we would call “black”. Black is the darkest value, and takes many layers OR lots of pressure to achieve.
(see all the little layers that get me to the dark feathers eventually, sustainably?)
What do you think would be the most sustainable way to get those deep, dark blacks? What do you think most beginners, particularly, do?
Pencil work can be very hard on the hand and arm (and then neck and back). We are gripping a small object primarily with two fingers and a thumb, and we are applying pressure to a page to make marks. Painting can be the same, though we usually don’t feel the need to place so much pressure on our brushes. Pencil work is slow and tedious. It is repetitive, and it can cause repetitive strain.
If we pressure ourselves to keep pressure on the paper, we will injure ourselves, be that out of a challenge or misguided expectation of self, we will get to a point of pain, maybe resentment, but worse than all of that, a place where we cannot continue.
All of this is highly simplified of course; art-related injury can also happen for many other reasons, including physiological limitations, prior trauma, and so many other things, but in the context of this largely philosophical weaving of words: Consistent, unchecked pressure without examination and loving kindness equals pain.
Hand pain, heart pain, all the pains.
In our art practise (verb), as well as in our art practice (noun), we have to be gentle, curious, compassionate. We have to work slowly and with loving kindness, building up the layers rather than going in strong and hard.
Creativity can be a place of joy, creativity must be a place of joy, even when it is frustrating and hard and more than a little stretchy. It is a practice we want to be sustainable, so we want it to be something we hold with care, that we embody reverentially - that is, that we revere our body for allowing us to do the practice, that we revere the practice for bringing us deeper into our body.
We are best served to swap out the idea of productivity with presence.
One is extractive - it takes from you - the other is deeply connective, giving back constantly. I know which one I would prefer - how about you?
So let’s go back to my first paragraph:
Today is the 14th, which means I am 14 days into my self-imposed challenge (see last week’s post), and I have been really pretty ill the last 4 or 5 days, but I have kept going. I have completed 12 drawings, not 13 like I (SHOULD??) have.
There is no room for should in creativity. There will always be a well-practised aspect of my personality that imposes pressure in an unhelpful way. It is well-practised after all. But that taskmaster that is employed by productivity has less and less impact on my every day the more I practise human-centred, wild-heart-centred creativity.
Today is the 14th, which means I am 14 days into my self-imposed challenge and I have been pretty ill with a respiratory virus the last 4 or 5 days, but I have kept going - because this challenge is bringing me so much joy. I am taking lots of breaks, and listening to my body. This work is part of my restorative practice. I have completed 12 drawings - which is so amazing, and I am so proud of myself for stretching, gently. The productivity taskmaster in me would like me to be despondent - rather than celebrating the 12 done, lament and focus on the one that has not arrived yet. They would want me to push into the night to make up the time. They would want me to use hard pressure to get through the darker areas quickly and move onto the next until I am physically unable to keep going.
I dunno, that doesn’t sound like much fun to me. That doesn’t sound like a practice I want to revere. It doesn’t sound like I would respect and revere my body doing it. It is also not the challenge I signed up for - I want this challenge to feel good and exciting!
You don’t need a permission slip from me, but here it is anyway.
You are allowed to work lightly, lovingly.
You are allowed to challenge and stretch yourself in ways that bring you joy and curiosity and understanding - of your creativity and yourself.
You are inherently worthy - what you produce does not affect that.
You are deserving of a joyful creative practice that brings you light and deep connection - it needn’t be a chore or another thing to beat yourself up with.
No pressure, my friend. Ok?
PS: Hedgerow is only open for a couple more days - if a community of gentle, compassionate, and connective art making and creativity sounds like the right place for you, come have a look:
Hi Natalie,
This article is so meaningful. As an artist, I sometimes get impatient to fill in all the dark areas with graphite quickly. I can relate to all you say.
I agree that there should be no "shoulds," and I just used the word in this sentence. While being highly productive is nice, it does lead to burnout and less enjoyment of the tasks on hand, not just for art, but for everything. Approaching art with self-love and self-patience and not focusing on simple productivity is the way to create art and infuse it with joy.
I love your affirmations at the end. Extremely helpful. Thank you!
It turned out amazing!